Today started like any other Saturday. Up before 8am. Reading an ebook on my iPad. Snuggling with my wife and dog. Coffee at McDonalds.
yada, yada, yada...then I went to jail.
Ah dear reader, I bet you want to know what I yada yada'd out right? So here goes.
Lia had a volleyball game this morning but I was slow to get up and moving so Kris left before me. I took a shower and left the house around 9. 10 minutes after that I was leaving McDonalds with my breakfast.
As I'm driving through Jerseyville I notice traffic is super heavy. First I see the October Fest at the catholic school and a line of traffic as far as the eye can see. Directly in front of me is another Jeep. I slowly drive around him since he has his left turn signal on and will be there a long time. Within seconds lights come on behind me and I'm being pulled over.
So I'm close to the highschool at this point so I pull over to the side of the road. He gets my license and insurance, runs them and comes back to my window. At this point I see another cruiser pull up but don't think anything of it. Its a small town, flashing lights attract the rednecks like moths to a flame.
He says "Are you aware there is a warrant out for your arrest?" I laugh and say "No, you must have me mistaken for someone else."
"Step out of the vehicle please" So I start to walk towards his car and he pushes me up against the Jeep and gets his cuffs out. I ask "Are you serious? This is some kind of misunderstanding" I get cuffed and tossed in the back seat. He then sees my FOID card and gets all concerned, asking me where my gun is. "At home under my bed" I reply. He takes his hand off his holster at this point. Jesus, WTF have I gotten myself into?
He goes through my stuff and finds a an advil bottle with my medicine in it. It's a mixture of tylenol, advil, aleve and Xanax (which I have a prescription for). He asks about the pills, I tell him the truth and then I realize I'm fucked. He thinks I'm a drug dealer. In front of a school.
So we drive the 5 blocks to the jail, I get out the car and put in a holding cell. I have to pee. Badly.
Some other fucko is there for marijuana possession...at 9am on a Saturday morning. The kid is wearing a Pizza Hut uniform. Shocker, he works at a pizza place and smokes weed.
I have nothing to do, no phone or iPad so I feel very disconnected. I begin to nap. After an hour they come in and give me what I think is good news. "We identified all of your pills and believe you." I see a stack of tickets and think I'm getting those and will get to leave.
"Bad news is its Saturday and until you prove your prescriptions you have to stay in jail." My mouth flops open like a dead fish. "You mean all weekend?" This isn't happening...but it is. "Yes he says, until Monday am."
At this point I remember that my wife knows the states attorney. I ask them if I can get him on the phone can he get me released. They tell me he can so I ask to call my wife. I call her, this is how that call goes.
Me: Hello
Her: Where are you, I'm worried.
Me: Guess
Her: You're in jail aren't you?
Me: How'd you know?
At this point I remember I texted her that I got pulled over. Apparently she had been trying to call and was getting increasingly concerned.
I explain the situation and she hangs up. I get to get my iPhone back and go back to the holding cell. Words with Friends is alot more fun in jail. Really kills the time.
About 30 minutes later they tell me that the states attorney called and set bail so I can go home. On Monday I have to go take my prescriptions in and then I'll be exonerated. Except for a stupid ticket for passing on the right.
To top it all off the warrant that got me in this mess was a mistake. It will be cleared up on Monday as well.
As a matter of record though I had to get my fingerprints and mugshot taken. Just in case I turn out to be a Xanax dealer. So yeah, that was lots of fun. I did have fun shooting the shit with the jail guy and listening to his stories about all the crazy inmates. And I finally got to pee...in an empty cells toilet.
I told the deputy that if he gave me my iPad and iPhone I could easily do the time, but not without my gadgets.
So...that was my morning. Can you top it?
