Friday, December 9, 2011

I wonder what word came first, vagina or Virginia. One of them should be changed. My vote would be to change vagina to iVag. This name reflects beauty, engineering, clean lines, smooth surfaces, delicate curves and a closed platform free of bugs and viruses. There are no unsightly flaps, hinges or ports but of course it has one button that does it all, one button to fire it up instantly where it awaits your multitouch gestures to really come to life. Swipe, pinch, tap and swirl your iVag to the brink of ecstasy. The iVag...Think Different.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The day I went to jail...again

Today started like any other Saturday. Up before 8am. Reading an ebook on my iPad. Snuggling with my wife and dog. Coffee at McDonalds.

yada, yada, yada...then I went to jail.

Ah dear reader, I bet you want to know what I yada yada'd out right? So here goes.

Lia had a volleyball game this morning but I was slow to get up and moving so Kris left before me. I took a shower and left the house around 9. 10 minutes after that I was leaving McDonalds with my breakfast.

As I'm driving through Jerseyville I notice traffic is super heavy. First I see the October Fest at the catholic school and a line of traffic as far as the eye can see. Directly in front of me is another Jeep. I slowly drive around him since he has his left turn signal on and will be there a long time. Within seconds lights come on behind me and I'm being pulled over.

So I'm close to the highschool at this point so I pull over to the side of the road. He gets my license and insurance, runs them and comes back to my window. At this point I see another cruiser pull up but don't think anything of it. Its a small town, flashing lights attract the rednecks like moths to a flame.

He says "Are you aware there is a warrant out for your arrest?" I laugh and say "No, you must have me mistaken for someone else."

"Step out of the vehicle please" So I start to walk towards his car and he pushes me up against the Jeep and gets his cuffs out. I ask "Are you serious? This is some kind of misunderstanding" I get cuffed and tossed in the back seat. He then sees my FOID card and gets all concerned, asking me where my gun is. "At home under my bed" I reply. He takes his hand off his holster at this point. Jesus, WTF have I gotten myself into?

He goes through my stuff and finds a an advil bottle with my medicine in it. It's a mixture of tylenol, advil, aleve and Xanax (which I have a prescription for). He asks about the pills, I tell him the truth and then I realize I'm fucked. He thinks I'm a drug dealer. In front of a school.

So we drive the 5 blocks to the jail, I get out the car and put in a holding cell. I have to pee. Badly.

Some other fucko is there for marijuana 9am on a Saturday morning. The kid is wearing a Pizza Hut uniform. Shocker, he works at a pizza place and smokes weed.

I have nothing to do, no phone or iPad so I feel very disconnected. I begin to nap. After an hour they come in and give me what I think is good news. "We identified all of your pills and believe you." I see a stack of tickets and think I'm getting those and will get to leave.

"Bad news is its Saturday and until you prove your prescriptions you have to stay in jail." My mouth flops open like a dead fish. "You mean all weekend?" This isn't happening...but it is. "Yes he says, until Monday am."

At this point I remember that my wife knows the states attorney. I ask them if I can get him on the phone can he get me released. They tell me he can so I ask to call my wife. I call her, this is how that call goes.

Me: Hello
Her: Where are you, I'm worried.
Me: Guess
Her: You're in jail aren't you?
Me: How'd you know?

At this point I remember I texted her that I got pulled over. Apparently she had been trying to call and was getting increasingly concerned.

I explain the situation and she hangs up. I get to get my iPhone back and go back to the holding cell. Words with Friends is alot more fun in jail. Really kills the time.

About 30 minutes later they tell me that the states attorney called and set bail so I can go home. On Monday I have to go take my prescriptions in and then I'll be exonerated. Except for a stupid ticket for passing on the right.

To top it all off the warrant that got me in this mess was a mistake. It will be cleared up on Monday as well.

As a matter of record though I had to get my fingerprints and mugshot taken. Just in case I turn out to be a Xanax dealer. So yeah, that was lots of fun. I did have fun shooting the shit with the jail guy and listening to his stories about all the crazy inmates. And I finally got to an empty cells toilet.

I told the deputy that if he gave me my iPad and iPhone I could easily do the time, but not without my gadgets.

So...that was my morning. Can you top it?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Killer videos

For Yarbi

Sweet Rube Goldbergs

Best one ever

Second best?


As many of you know I'm a bit of a reader. Ok, that's deliberately understated, I read about 2 books a week, sometimes 3. I would say I'm a bit of a collector, although I don't collect the antiquarian books, the uber rare or the ancient tomes of yesteryear. No, I collect first editions/first printings of modern fiction. This isn't hard with 1st/1st printing runs usually over 100,000 of what I read.

But I've given it up, because theres something I like collecting more. Money. You see, despite being a passionate reader of about 15 regular authors I still feel that books are grossly overpriced and feel that authors could make up for lower prices with higher quantities sold.

Enter the digital age.

I've been a reader of ebooks for a long time, the first device I remember reading a book on is a Palm V. Then I got the awesome Dell Axim with the wifi's. It was on this device that my addiction to ebooks began. I would take this baby into the bathroom with me and 2 hours later I had finished the newest Stephen King or Harry Potter book. My asshole hates my reading addiction, this I know for fact.

So, needless to say I've acquired a great many ebooks. Probably a few hundred and growing every week. What I love is that I have 15 books on my iPad and iPhone right now that I can't wait to read. Instant gratification. No more buying one book at a time, finishing it at 2am and then waiting a day or 7 to get the next book with a trip to Barnes and Noble. The other day I read Mile 81 by Stephen King, finishing around Noon. I then started Second Son by Lee Child and finished that around 2pm. I then immediately started the new Dexter book. My total cost for the day? $0.0.

The old way would've easily cost $41. Do I feel guilty about not giving those authors my $? Nope, because I know that they don't get almost anything out of the $17 or so dollars per book. And when I see another author I like, James Patterson, selling ebooks for MORE than the hardback...well, that makes me incensed. I mean Jesus. The guy has a shit ton of money, sells millions of books and decides to RAISE his prices? Karma is a bitch.

I also recently won a Kindle in a random drawing. Not sure what I'm going to do with it as I have no use for another ereader. Probably just return it to BB for credit and get Gears of War 3. Yay.

Auctions attract weirdos

This guy stood out on Sunday.

Floppy hat
Michael Dukakis eyebrows
Pale, pasty skin
ancient looking sweater
ancient looking black slacks
gardening gloves
shoes with velcro straps

Ahhh, that's Madison County for ya.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

6 hour "socialization" test? Really?

The purpose of this post is to illustrate 2 things.
1. I'm a sarcastic asshole at times.
2. Why I hate policies.

Before we went on vacation recently to Arizona I made some calls to find a new place to board my dog. I typically take him to a place here in town but they aren't open on Sundays and they keep him in a fairly small cell with no activities. I am what you may call an overzealous dog owner and I want my boy to feel like he's on vacation to. After calling a few places that had no vacancies I finally reached a place in Collinsville that had an opening. They asked some basic questions about his name (Cubby), breed (Golden Retriever), age (7), etc. So we basically have a fully domesticated, adult male Golden Retriever.

This is a picture of my dog. Very vicious looking right?

They first asked me what day I wanted to bring him in and when I said "Tomorrow" they said "Oooh, that's going to be a problem." I asked what the problem was and was informed there was a mandatory (and paid) 6 hour socialization test to make sure my dog wasn't violent or aggressive. They do know what a Golden Retriever is right? I don't think a more gentle, docile and loving animal exists. I've been around Goldens my entire life and have never met one that wasn't sweet and playful.

So this conversation happened:

Me: You are aware this is for a Golden Retriever right?

Dumbass: Yes, but this policy is for any dog.

Me: Who came up with this policy?

Dumbass: Our owner, who is a veterinarian.

Me: Is she familiar with a Golden Retriever?

Dumbass: Of course, many Goldens stay here.

Me: And have you had any issues with them? You know, like them biting each other, eating small childrens faces off, killing the young, playing puppy fight club? You know, stuff like that?

Dumbass: I understand what you're saying sir, but it's a policy.

Me: Do most of your customers have 6 hours to come and watch their dog play with other dogs? Oh, and pay you for the privilege?

Dumbass: It is an issue for alot of people.

Me: I think we just found out why you have openings when no one else does. Thanks.


Again, this is my dog. We ended up having family take care of him and all was well.

End of story.

This is NOT a sales pitch for a Golden, but I will say that if anyone asks me what dog to get I only have one answer. There is a reason. I have had 4 Goldens in my life and each one is sweeter than the next. I can't imagine a better family dog. And the brain..sheesh, I'm pretty sure my dog understands me. There is a reason that Goldens are chosen for drug sniffing, cadaver location, service assistance, emotional therapy and a wide range of other demanding roles. Oh, and they're highly sought after in the hunting world, the name "retriever" isn't an accident.

And take a look around you when you're in the store, especially the pet aisle. Goldens are used to hawk everything from dog food to baked beans to insurance to cars. They're all over print media, movies, TV and advertising. This is not an accident.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Soda is immature?

The other day I was in a drive thru (I know, what a shock) and I decided to order a Cherry Coke. I love this soda but I usually only drink diet sodas for less calories and I usually prefer the taste. The few exceptions to this are Cherry Coke, Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb. When I lived with my friend Pete a long time ago we both got hooked on Cherry Coke from McDonalds. It was an amazing combination of paper cups, crushed ice and Cherry Coke. Nirvana.

So, the other day when the urge struck I shot off a text to Pete who I JUST got back in touch with after not speaking with him for years. I explained that I had just ordered a Cherry Coke and he replied "...I'm a grown up so I really only drink water and Iced Tea now..." That made me laugh. This guy isn't much of a grown up, about as much as I am, and now it's immature to drink soda?

So fellow webbians, is it more mature to drink Iced Tea and Water? Perhaps I should order a Brandy Alexander or a Sloe Gin Fizz when I'm out drinking, aren't thos more refined drinks? Now, I agree that an adult sucking on a Sunny D or a Capri Sun looks foolish...but who cares?